Paving the road to hell, one good intention at a time.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Safety First, Pain for fun!

Just because I work in safety and have had to make sure we don't kill anyone at a certain festival, people think I have a risk assessment for everything I do and avoid anything that could cause pain to anyone.

However, as some vicar's know, that can't be further from the truth. I can't see the point in enjoying myself if someone does not get hurt, and if I can't find anyone to abuse, I abuse myself! If there is a tin lid or wooden tray handy I have hours of fun and wake up with a sore head the next morning.

We safety people are much misunderstood. Ask my friend the puppy kicker!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Commenting

A message received (though other avenues) from a viewer informs me that the settings meant that only blog team members could leave comments.

The correspondent (let's call him 'Concerned of Norfolk'), suggests this might be so that it restricted things to only "misunderstood people commenting on other misunderstood people."

He went on to write that: "I didn't fully agee with one of the entries - but maybe that's simply because I misunderstood the person at the time."

Well let me clear this up, the settings were as they were not because we wanted to restrict things to some sort of clique or even to avoid challenges such as that he alludes to. Nor is it a cunning attempt to increase applications to join the team (though thinking about it that would have been quite cunning).

Frankly it's a complete mistake and the first I knew about it was when CoN raised the issue. I suspect I did (and I fear it was me) something stupid like use my scroll wheel when still 'clicked' in a box on the settings page. Anyway, whatever, the upshot is that I've corrected things - so come one, come all, let's have your comments. All we ask is that you're registered with blogger (this is free) and that you pass the "are you really a human being" word verification thingy.

So just to be clear, the Blog Admins are not a) comment control freaks or b) clever enough to come up with a cunning ruse to boost team numbers.

The truth is we're just a bit crap when it comes to computers.

So easily misunderstood...

Job angst

Oooh well, this is a bit new for me, being infallible an' all and not known for admitting failure and weakness (laughs bitterly with a manic glint in her eye). Offered the chance of a twelve-step confessional, who could refuse?

OK, so my one is job angst, and I'm misunderstood because people think, genuinely, that I'm clever, good at what I do and generally worth my salary. I know that self-doubt is hardly unique, but in my case I really do question on a daily basis why I'm sitting at this desk, working in this lab. I really am quite rubbish at what I do, and it's shocking (but handy, in a financial sense) that no-one else seems to notice. Which brings me onto another shameful home-truth: I uterly lack ambition, don't know what else I'd rather be doing, and never had a Career Plan, shock horror.

Hands up who thought I was a sucessful career chemist? Ha, gotcha.
E x

Sunday, September 17, 2006

I really am a tee-totaller.....

Not that understand exactly what exactly being T-total means, ie where the expression comes from: I think my dad explained it once, was it to do with the Temperance Society???

Anyway, I know it means not drinking. Abstaining from alcohol. And that's me. For nigh on 50 years. Until I went to a certain festival..and got involved in late night drinking...really, all I wanted was a cup of tea, I was thirsty, I hadn't had much to eat....and it was warm, and someone offered me a peachy drink, nothing too nasty, only problem was it was fizzy, and I don't do fizzy either. Ugh. Nasty stuff. But I was thirsty, and is was all there was..you see, I really didn't mean to get drunk, on one Peach Archers, and sit on someone's knee, and say I loved them, and get uncontrollably giggly and need to be put to bed....

Just like this year, when once again I was out with a bunch of keen drinkers, whiskey drinkers at that: there I was with my orange juice, listening to a certain person drone on and on about which whiskey he was going to drink, the endless talking about it, never mind the drinking of it..after about 4 nights I just snapped. This whiskey worship was just too much. Wouldn't it be funny if he looked away for a minute and when he looked back his very expensive whiskey had gone? Wouldn't it be very funny? I don't even like the stuff. I had to force myself to drink it, reach for the glass and slug it down in one go, so I didn't have to taste it..even so it set my ears on fire....

You see, I didn't even think about getting drunk, it never crossed my mind, I just did it for a joke...but the helpless giggling and falling over did seem rather amusing..however, I really am T total, really I am.....

Schadenfreude

If you find the following cartoon amusing:



Then the chances are you probably need to join this blog team and do some explaining...

Send your submissions to: reasonswhy [[at]] btinternet [[dot]] com and if we like the cut of your jib, we'll add you to the crew.

blip blip

i agree with the post below from liz

my wife explains it patiently to people
people it has to be said, with a slightly hurt look on their face

'you have to understand' she will try to explain 'it's a good thing that he just appeared to be rude to you, while getting a laugh at your expense, if he doesn't talk to you or acknowledge you then you haven't even appeared on his radar'

or the slightly less comforting ...
'oh don't be offended it isn't personal he speaks to everybody like that'

you see, i am so misunderstood, i have people who clean up after me, appeasing and offering small crumbs of comfort

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Kind words



Ok this one is very simple.

If I don’t like you, I probably won’t take the piss.

I’ll probably just be polite.

So…do you see…me taking the piss out of you is a good thing; chances are it means I like you.

I know you’d probably prefer kind words and roses, but hey we don’t always get what we want.

Friday, September 15, 2006

The inner-self

I've come to realise that there is a little mischievous inner-self in everybody. For the large majority of people this inner voice stays hidden, or whispers only very faintly, when no-one else is within earshot.

Its the same voice that laughs when someone else gets hit in the bollocks, or walks into a lamp post whilst talking on the phone.

For most people this is a reactionary voice. You laugh _after_ that person tripped over the kerb and fell into the bushes. My mind works slightly differently. My mind goes something like "Hmm, if I just moved that rock slightly to the left a bit, and make that hole a little bit deeper...", then steps back to observe the outcome.

I blame the scientist in me. Trained to observe and tinker with the conditions and parameters to get different results. Optimising things as we go. I can become focussed on the immediate central events, not the longer term consequences. Kind of like letting the cold, wet, miserable-looking little cat into the warm dry common room in a certain Abbey, so that it could warm up and dry off. Not stopping for a second to think about how it might not be able to let itself out again should it need to answer a call of nature...

Its not as if I go out with the intentions of causing bad things to happen.

We've all got that dangerous "I wonder what would happen if..." voice buried within ourselves somewhere.

Mine just happens to live quite a bit closer to the outside world, and likes to get out for some exercise every now and then...

The One Hit Wonder


In my defence I didn’t mean for it to happen, it wasn’t like we set out to do it even, it was a...... well lets call it a miscalculation. I’ll start at the beginning we were at that well know Christian festival; you know the one, where many people are misunderstood at different times. Any way back to the story, it was getting late and we were tired so myself, L and N went for a break and to listen to Nizlopi. Now the set was ok but did have the feel of a one hit wonder band (oh I’ve done again, sorry to all the Nizlopi fans who now stumble across this blog).

So as we all know any half decent one hit wonder band always perform their one hit wonder last, its kind of the unwritten rule. So when N volunteers to go for fish and chips naturally L and myself note the time realize we are only half way through the gig and given that the JCB Song was some time off gratefully agree. Well ok if were going to be honest after much whining we convince N that they would do the song last and reluctantly he goes saving our legs from and an unnecessary walk.

So just stop for one moment and realise how distraught we were when lo and behold they perform the JCB song at about the same time N reached the end of the fish and chip queue and thus out of seeing and hearing range.

So now we get to the main reason we were misunderstood. Only a cruel, callous and cold hearted person would in fact have told N what happened. For it would have broken his little musical heart. So out of an act of friendship and love L and myself deviate a little from the truth, it goes something like this:

N arrives back with three portions of fish and chips. We thank him and explain how Nizlopi do not want to be branded a one hit wonder and consequently will not be performing The JCB Song. N looks at us in disbelief but continues to eat his food. Only when Nizlopi leave the stage does he turn to us and say “oh I see you were telling the truth”.

Now I know that would have been the perfect opportunity to own up but you see, imagine how he would have felt. To think people call me mean and inconsiderate, how misunderstood am I.

Well you did ask...

If you take someone who has a reputation for speaking their mind, put them on a stage, put a mic in their hand and specifically ask them what they thought the flaws were in a production...well you really only have yourselves to blame when they say it how they see it.

I’ll admit that it wasn’t ideal that the party I slagged off was, as it turned out, in the audience, but you know…

I wasn’t being intentionally rude, I was just giving my honest opinion.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Appeasing the gods of comedy



I need to explain something. Sometimes when I make a sarcastic retort, it’s simply because it’s the route that the comedy plough takes us. It might be the perfect set-up you’ve just provided me, or a play on words that’s begging to be used, whatever…sometimes it really isn’t about y.o.u.

You know how when someone responds to a question with “I’m easy”, the other party goes “so I’ve heard”? It’s kind of like that...but more so.

Sometimes it’s just where the conversation needs to go.

If it’s the perfect set-up to imply you’re a slag in a witty punchline, then frankly it wouldn’t matter whether you’re Callum Best or Mother Theresa…I’m probably going to go there.

I don’t know why, it’s just the way my brain is wired or something, sometimes the comedy gods simply must be appeased.

Think of yourselves as collateral damage. Does that help at all?

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

as easy as alpha beta ?

i was recently with a group of christians in a bar at a well known christian festival
as i sat down i picked up a pile of cd's that were on the table in front of me and flicked through them ... the last one was a cd of The Alpha Course

(for those who have no idea what i am talking about think cheesy course to introduce people to the bible and the christian way of life which makes huge amounts of money for ... sorry ... which instructs and teaches in a very scriptual and holy way)

i rather childishly went "eeww eeww Alpha! "(wiped my fingers on my jeans) "and i touched it urrghh"

somebody pointed out to me that the lady sat next to me was Margaret and was the UK director of Alpha and perhaps i should be careful what i say

i turned to her and said "hello margaret how do you live with yourself?"

she grimaced and asked me why i didn't like Alpha (it has to be said with a slightly patronising through gritted teeth kind of smile)

i explained that i was involved with a thing called holy joes and that we were probably as far removed from Alpha as it was possible to be while still on the same planet

"oh" said margaret, we are all a part of the same family of God

to which i replied, 'if we are then you are the middle child"

margaret smiled again and explained how she was interested in hearing what people thought of Alpha

realising that this was dangerous ground i explained that she really wouldn't want to hear what i had to say and it would probably be best to just drop the subject and talk about something else

at least four times i refused to comment and eventually having had enough i said "my problem with Alpha is that i have spent 15 years meeting people who have been harmed by the type of churches that peddle this nonsense and i object to God being marketed in this way and i hate the way you are re-selling thirty year old christian books (named a few i knew of) ... how much is your profits on the whole thing by the way?"

margaret wasn't too happy and left shortly afterwards

in my defence and why i claim that i was misunderstood is that i tried to warn her ... i attempted to avoid saying it ... the first couple of lines should have indicated that i was not about to be polite and yet ... and yet ... they carry right on into the mouth of the abyss

the only possible answer

a couple of years ago i was on a stage hosting a debate on sex ... this was in a cathedral where hundreds of young people had been locked in all night with bands playing and debates happening etc

now the group i do this kind of thing with are quite fiesty ... we do tend not to care what people think of us ... if you don't care then they can't get to you

in the introduction i used the following explaination;
i am likely to swear, i do it all the time and i will probably do it tonight
but here's the deal ... i won't tell your parents what you get up to tonight
and you don't go home and tell your mum that i was swearing
at which point a pious 15 year old boy in the audience shouted out
'i think it's terrible you are a christian and you swear'

now i'm sorry but any right minded person with any inclination for the witty retort would have felt what i did ... the urge rising like bile to snap back 'oh fuck off'
but i didn't ... i swallowed that urge stared hard and went for 'interesting opinion' and moved onto the next item ... every one of my team knew what i wanted to say

one of the reasons i am misunderstood is that people think i am not capable of censoring myself and i am ... this story proves it

so the next time i have just destroyed you with a line that fizzled with the speed of delivery and left you speechless with wonderment at the descrutive ability of my tongue ... consider this ... that may well have been a censored response ... imagine the power of the original

Stealing Wallets



I know what you're thinking with a title like that - how can stealing a wallet be well intentioned? If you'll keep an open mind I'll try and explain.

It started many years ago, when a certain person of my acquaintance kept leaving his wallet lying around in public spaces. And this was no ordinary wallet my friend, this was a wallet that was habitually stuffed full of cash and cards.

Being a kind hearted, responsible sort, I would regularly end up picking it up, hiding it somewhere safe and then letting him know.

See, I was "doing a good thing" TM.

Somewhere down the line the last bit of that started getting missed off, but again for the best of reasons - he needed to learn. A few false panics about a missing wallet, should teach him to take better care, shouldn't it?

Ok, so I hadn't reckoned on him having the flattest learning curve in Britain, but what's a girl to do?

Well obviously the answer is up the ante and start stealing more wallets and swapping cards over and so forth...obviously...

You've got to get the message home somehow.

But it all stems from trying to look out for a friend, so you see I'm not evil really...I'm just misunderstood.

I'm Not Naturally Nice, I'm Doing My Best



Why does everyone love those people who are naturally nice?

The ones that never have a bad thought come to mind and therefore are only ever lovely about everyone and everything.

Whereas, I get called a bad person because I’m prone to making sarcastic comments about stuff.

But the thing people don’t take account of, is that for every bitchy comment that does escape my lips, I’ve bitten back twenty.

You ask me if those trousers make your arse look big and trust me, dozens of sarcastic retorts will pop into my mind completely unbidden.

But I filter you know, and I hold stuff back, and I bite my lip, and I try not to say too many bad things, but sometimes there’s a breach in the dam and something slips out.

Now I know that’s not good, but where’s my credit for the twenty things I didn’t say?

Because for me it takes effort and I want due kudos for that.

But no, everyone just bangs on about the ‘naturally lovely people’ despite the fact they are either just predisposed to be that way (in which case we may as well also commend them on their excellent eye colour), or frankly they’re just too damn stupid to come up with witty retorts.

And trust me there are twenty other insults about them I could have used.